Son of BiPolar Expedition

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

"The white people, Brother, had now found our country. Tidings were carried back, and more came amongst us. Yet we did not fear them. We took them to be friends. They called us brothers. We believed them, and gave them a larger seat. At length their numbers had greatly increased. They wanted more land; they wanted our country. Our eyes were opened, and our minds became uneasy. Wars took place. Indians were hired to fight against Indians, and many of our people were destroyed. They also brought liquor amongst us. It was strong and powerful, and has slain thousands.

"Brother, our seats were once large and yours were small. You have now become a great people, and we have scarcely a place left to spread our blankets. You have got our country, but are not satisfied; you want to force your religion upon us.

"Brother, continue to listen. You say that you are sent to instruct us how to worship the Great Spirit agreeably to his mind, and, if we do not take hold of the religion which you white people teach, we shall be unhappy hereafter. You say that you are right and we are lost. How do we know this to be true? We ... only know what you tell us about it. How shall we know when to believe, being so often deceived by the white people?

"Brother, you say there is but one way to worship and serve the Great Spirit. If there is but one religion, why do you white people differ so much about it?...

"Brother, we do not understand these things. We are told that your religion was given to your forefathers, and has been handed down from father to son. We also have a religion, which was given to our forefathers, and has been handed down to us, their children. We worship in that way. It teaches us to be thankful for all the favours we receive; to love each other, and to be united. We never quarrel about religion.

"Brother, the Great Spirit has made us all, but he has made a great difference between his white and red children. He has given us different complexions and different customs.... Since he has made so great a difference between us in other things, why may we not conclude that he has given us a different religion?...

If you drink cappuccino instead of beer
If you can't figure out why the battery on your new bike won't stay charged
If your trailer has more miles on it than your bike
If your leathers still have creases
If you don't ride your bike to work because it scuffs your penny loafers
If you move your bike and the grass is brown under the wheels
If your tattoos wash off
If you have doubled the weight of your bike with bolt on chrome
If you have never kick started a bike before
If you buy bikes as investments

If you wear earplugs
If you really believe that there are bikes that come customized from the factory
If the last time you went to the Harley dealer you came home with golf balls and a toilet seat
If your Harley shirt has a collar
If its not fun to ride unless someone sees you
If you don't ride in the rain
If you think the movie "Wild Hogs" was a classic
If you can't find your oil filter
If you think any motorcycle is too loud
If your ponytail comes off with your cap
If you leave your garage door open just so people can see your bike
If you need a biker lingo book
If you're a HOG member and think you're an outlaw
If when you buy your bike you start calling everyone "Bro"
If you stop 30 miles from Sturgis to unload your bike so you can ride in
If you think the models in the catalogs are what bikers are suppose to look like
If you worry about what bikers are suppose to look like
If real bikers scare you
If you paint your office nick-name (like EasyRider or Chick Maggot) on your Bell open face helmet

If you paid for your new FXSTC in 24 months or less.
If you complained about the "smell and fumes" near the back of your last group ride.
If you won't ride unless it's a group ride.
If everyone on your last group ride works at your law firm, or plays golf with you.
If you've ever said "Isn't it too cold/wet/hot/dry/dark to ride?"
You carry a camcorder instead of a knife

If your saddlebags have a special pocket for your cell phone
If your bike and saddlebags are all colour coordinated

You read this page & say hey I do that!
You put newspaper under your scoot to catch da drippings.
Bikers check out your scoot & say man dat boys got way to much money!
If your jeans are clean, in fact if any spot on you is clean.
You think fringe is a mandatory accessory on your leathers.
You try to look like a biker.
You try to act like a biker.
You've ever stopped at a red light & forgot to put a foot down while sober
You run into the Bros & they say: "Hey lets go here", and you have to call home to check first.
You carry a phone just in case you MIGHT break down!
You think a chain is something you wear around your neck.
You think a missing link is a human race thing.
If bikers give you a nickname something like PUD and you think its cool.
If you read this page & get pissed!!!

You ride a Harley and drive a Mercedes
You have ever ridden with a tie on.

You think a rigid is a hardon.

Your scariest biker experience was waiting for your nw bike financing to be approved.

The bank holds the title to your bike.

You think helmets actually protect your head.
You own a lap dog.
You bought a new Yamaha because you think "Hey, everyone will think its a Harley"

You carry a cell phone, a toothbrush, and fresh underwear in your tool bag.

You know you're a yuppie biker if you go to Sturgis, camp at Glencoe in a monster motorhome.

When people mention Easy Rider you remember your secretary getting bombed at the office xmas party.

If you don't know you're a yuppie biker

You have more different kinds of cycle polish than lubricants in your garage
You don't know who Sonny Barger is.
You refer to Harley-Davidson as "the motor company" or "the boys in Milwaukee"!

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Watching the Phillies Game 1 on tv. A Michelin man tire commercial comes on.

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